make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
