Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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