Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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