your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
