I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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