I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
