Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
