i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
