fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
