if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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