I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
