life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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