I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
