what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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