then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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