just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
