Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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