Sry I called you an 8
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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