Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
