I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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