He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
