I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
