no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
40s are totally the cure
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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