omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
