Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
