You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
