Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
