I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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