so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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