My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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