She is in my trunk
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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