i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
