I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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