New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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