My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
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A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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