I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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