I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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