Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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