the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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