Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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