Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
