Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
