dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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