My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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