dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
