The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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