Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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