I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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