I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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