ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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