If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
