Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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