i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
