I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You took a bar mat shot.
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It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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