Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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