your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
