I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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