Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
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